How to have difficult conversations
Written by Joy Velykorodnyy
We’ve all been there! Knowing we need to have a ‘little chat’, but dreading it!
Why are there some conversations which we dread? We know they are important, but we’d rather not have them.
There are a couple of reasons – and when we realise what they are, it helps take some of the heat out of the chat.
The first reason we dread them is because the conversation we need to have is with someone important to us. It could be an authority figure – a boss or school teacher, or it could be someone close to us – a friend and someone we admire. But for whatever reason, this is a difficult conversation because of WHO the person is. Maybe I don’t want to upset them, because they could make my life uncomfortable. Or maybe I don’t want to hurt them and risk their anger or disapproval. But for whatever reason, this conversation is difficult because of the importance of the person.
The second reason we dread the conversation is because we know they probably won’t like what we have to say. Maybe I need to ask my boss for time off, or a raise. Maybe I need to ask my partner to help out more at home. But whatever it is, I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to like it, even if I’m right (or especially if I’m right!).
These two reasons mean that even just thinking about this conversation is stressful. Maybe you play it out in your head, with all the different possible scenarios, and end up down a rabbit hole of worry. All of this means that I am approaching someone important to me, wanting them to do something they won’t like, and I’m feeling uptight and stressed about it. Sounds like a recipe for disaster! No wonder we dread these conversations and try to get out of them.
In our Hour of Wellbeing this month, we have been learning practical ways to deal with this difficult situation. In case you can’t make it to any of the sessions, which are free for people to drop in, throughout the city, here are a few pointers:
- Take some time to write down what you feel about the conversation, and why you feel this way. Addressing your emotions will help you stay calmer.
- Think about what you want to achieve – can you simply write down the change in behaviour you are looking for?
- Think for a moment about what you can control in this conversation. Not everything depends on the person you are talking to. You can control your attitudes and response.
- Put yourself in the other person’s position. How would you want someone to tell you this information? Treat others as you want to be treated.
Difficult conversations are part of life. And knowing how to deal with them is a key to good wellbeing.
Our Hours of Wellbeing held address different aspects of wellbeing every month. Currently they run once a month at the Bridge Wellbeing Hub, Birchwood Wellbeing Hub and Lincoln Community Grocery. Please contact us here for more information if you are interested in running these sessions in your community group.
If you would like to find out more about the work of Restore click here.